


Forgive Me

by MsGuemja



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Author Can't Tag, Birthday, Character Death, Established Relationship, F/M, Forgiveness, Love, One Shot, good luck, tragic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 17:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18899476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsGuemja/pseuds/MsGuemja
Summary: On this date every year we celebrate her birthday.





	Forgive Me

**Author's Note:**

> I started this two weeks ago and finished it this morning thanks to the song Farewell from the GoT season 8 OST. From the 3 min mark is what help.

It is her birthday.

The day doesn’t change, it will be the same date every year until the day his memory fades or the day he becomes a memory. Then the only way it is remembered is as a note on her Starfleet file. Until then though, it will be celebrated either in quiet, lovingly haunted reflection, or amid the warmth of friends and family.

Her birthday starts the same way it has for many years. In bed. He wakes slowly then proceeds to wake her with soft, gentle kisses up her neck to the spot just below her ear that he knows will have her squirming. Then his hands move over her warm, soft body his lips following the path slowly. He is savouring these moments with her because time has only given them so many. His gaze takes in the glow of her skin in the dim starlight coming in through a starship viewport or the dawn twilight of a cabin in the forest by a lake catching in her auburn hair. Sometimes the midday sun warms them both as they explore because they have left the curtains open and they are not required to be anywhere but with each other. The setting changes but she never does. She is as beautiful as the day she stood between him and Tom Paris. Age and passing time don’t seem to touch her and yet he feels every year he gains in his bones.

“Can you forgive me?”

The words are out of his mouth before he realizes he was forming a question. She frowns at him, raising her head from his chest where she had been watching her own hand drawing nonsense patterns on his skin.

“What for?”

“You know what for.”

She watches him for a moment then smiles softly, sadly.

“It is not my forgiveness you need Chakotay.”

She leans up then pressing her lips to his and once again she pushes all the questions, all the guilt, from his mind.

Their love making is burnt so much into his memories that his dreams add to the fantasy. Sometimes they will be in the midst of touching, kissing and before even thinking of joining the squall of an infant will interrupt them. Or they would be catching their breath, him above her with bodies still trembling, but their peace is short lived with the bang of a door and the sound of fast steps heading towards them.

She smiles brightly, a breathy “I’m sorry” passing her lips and he chuckles as he moves to the side.

“Why? They are ours not just yours.”

When he wakes the warmth he feels wears off a bit as he remembers they were too late and medical science wasn’t advanced enough to help them.

Eventually, and reluctantly, they would leave the bed and he would do all he can to make sure she has a good birthday. They have breakfast, he makes sure an analysis is done or that report is filed, he will even take reports from her and review them instead. He does these little things everyday for her but always makes sure on her birthday that she relaxes more. Or as much as she can.

Gifts are never hard. She likes books and usually he can find an author she hasn’t read in the database or he comes across one of interest as they explore a friendly planet. When he hands it to her before their customary birthday dinner she smiles, eyes bright with the excitement of a new discovery, and stretches up to place a kiss on his lips that has him nearly forgetting their dinner and throwing her into her bedroom.

Other times, if her birthday falls on the time they have shore leave, he takes her away. Away from the ship, away from the crew just them together watching an alien sunset and sharing a bottle of champagne. And he loves her under the stars, the moon his only light source to guide his hand over her pale skin. Her hands holding him to her, her eyes meeting his and her gasping breaths in his ear.

 

It’s the gasping breaths that break his fantasy, that bring him back to the nightmare he lived through and still lives on this day. Yet it wasn’t the day of her birthday but the day after. The day after a birthday where she exchanged one decade for another.

He had left her. She had been there one moment then gone the next but he had left her. He had run towards safety with the other citizens hoping she would follow. He had hid amongst the rubble of buildings. The comm was down but he knew that the crew would have launched a rescue attempt straight away. When the sound of phaser fire had quietened and all he could hear was the sound of pain filled moans and screams as people tried to find their loved ones, he stood and moved away from the toppled archway.

“Captain!” he yelled, trying his hardest to be heard over the other people and now the blaring sirens. Quickly he made his way through the people and rubble towards the plaza they had been walking through together. He tries to keep his thoughts from the worse outcome, turning to his memories, remembering her smile that morning over coffee and the day before at her birthday party.

Tripping down the steps he had come to the plaza, his heart beating fast from not just the run but the horror before him. His eyes took in the scattered bodies, trying to find the familiar uniform among the settling dust.

“Captain!”

He repeats himself several times, the yell getting louder and more desperate until his eyes land on the figure emerging from around a corner. Her steps are sluggish, her uniform covered in dust and her gaze is wide as she looks around her.

“Captain!”

That gets her attention and she stops for a moment. He doesn’t need to think twice and starts heading towards her. His gaze never leaves her form, goes over her from top to bottom to find any injuries.

He sees the cut to her forehead, not too severe.

The grime on her uniform.

The burn mark to the shoulder of her uniform.

The burnt hole in her uniform at the abdomen and the blood seeping through the fingers of the hand she holds there.

His legs can’t go fast enough now as he sees the blood dripping of the fingers of the hand to her side and the stumble in her step.

“Kathryn!”

The yell seems so loud, it isn’t just his voice calling her but his soul, his heart, and he manages to somehow get to her before she collapses to the ground.

“No, no, no, no, no,” He lowers them to the ground, his hand going to where hers lies over the wound and he tries not to grimace at the feel of her warm blood or to focus on her gasping breaths.

“Come on, stay with me.”

She met his gaze, he could see the light in her eyes fading but she gave him a small smile all the same.

“Chakotay… get them home.”

He shakes his head quickly, the tears coming to his eyes and falling quicker than they ever have before. He blinks to clear his vision, he doesn’t want to lose sight of her.

“You will get us home Kathryn, you will not me.”

“I wo… I don’t…” she took a gasping breath as she pulls her hand from under his only to rest it on top gently, grasping and pressing with what little strength she had left. “I’m sorry.”

Chakotay sobbed as he leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers.

“No it will be alright. Voyager will be here soon, just stay with me.” He felt her hand slipping from his. “Please.”

“Chakotay…”

His name, her last breath, breezed passed his cheek and he pulled her body tighter to him.

“No, please no.”

He doesn’t know how long he sits there with her, unmoving, only taking in the details around him when Tom Paris and the EMH both rest a hand on his shoulder. He can’t let her go even as they scan her. He cries. He doesn’t care that the rescue team are there, standing around him like mourning statues. He just wants her to come back.

 

Chakotay carries the blame though everyone tells him it isn’t his fault. He wants to ask her mother and sister for their forgiveness but he knows it would be for nothing. He needs Kathryn’s forgiveness.

This quadrant had given him some much. Peace, friends, family and a love he never knew could exist. But it wasn’t free and now this damned quadrant had taken its payment.

So Chakotay celebrates her birthday every year as he always does. After a brief talk amongst friends, he celebrates in the darkness of his quarters, watching the stars streak by and feeling her ghost in the shadows. He celebrates in the warmth of his dreams, her by his side, ageless and beautiful with a smile just for him. And like every year he loves her and asks her.

“Can you forgive me?”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I like tragedy. Let me know what you think, nicely.


End file.
